SCARED AS SH*T!

Life has a way of chewing us up, spitting us out, and taking us places we never thought we'd go. I guess that's called growth. Growth isn't the easiest thing to attain, it's actually pretty hard when you think about it. You get put through the ringer and deal with an immense amount of pressure to get there. Growth never comes from states of comfort, you grow through uncomfortability (probably just made that word up, whatever it feels right), pressure, and even pain.  Along with that comes fear, because we honestly never know what's on the other side. We never know if we're going to make it out okay, and sometimes we're not even convinced if we'll make it out at all. The truth is, life will be the worst and best friend we've ever had. It will also be the greatest teacher we can ever imagine. The cool thing about that is, we are forever students in this very unorganized classroom. There are multiple teachers, no one is on the same page, everyone just kind of shows up and keeps showing up. There are endless opportunities to learn and grow. There are moments of great pain, great joy, and immaculate growth and sometimes they happen simultaneously. The thing about life and growth though, is that sometimes it all comes down to a choice. Sometimes we have to decide what direction we are going to go in. We decide whether we will move forward, go backward, or stay right where we are and not move at all. These decisions are probably the most important ones we'll ever make. With that being said they are the scariest ones to make because we all want to make the right the decisions. We all want to make sure that the direction we are going in is, in fact, the right one. We want to make sure that everything lines up. That's what happens when we think we can control the future. Something I've learned recently is that sometimes, no matter how much we plan and overthink, we won't know the what the right decision is until we make it. Life is uncertain sometimes and in that uncertainty we sometimes have to move forward blindly, not knowing exactly what's going to happen but prepared to take on whatever it is. Sometimes we just have to forfeit our control and see where life takes us. Trying to be in control all the time is so exhausting. It's okay to lose control a little bit, I encourage it actually.

 That's where I've been for the last four or five months. Since before graduating, I felt like I was living in...limbo. I was preparing to take one of the biggest steps in my life, I was graduating from college and it was honestly a dream come true. But there was something that was off, and I couldn't really put my finger on it. I felt unsteady as if I was standing on the edge of a cliff that could fall out from under me at any second. So that meant I had to jump before that happened. The thing about graduating college that no one tells you is how scary it is. It's an exciting time, you're finishing a chapter in your life, you've made to a place that not everyone goes. Not everyone has the chance to finish college or even go, so it is a HUGE moment. Just as exciting as it is, it is equally scary. You have to start planning for real life, and for my career (I'm an actor) that looks very complicated. You have absolutely no idea how anything is going to play out, you just have to leap and believe the net will appear. I was prepared for that. I wasn't prepared for how afraid I would feel, how confused and unsure I would be. The closer we got to graduation the excitement was building up in me like a massive wave waiting to crash onto shore. I talked to my professors and they asked me how I felt, and one day I just had to be really honest with one of them. "I'm scared," I said. I looked her in the eyes, "No one tells you how scary it is, but I am freaking out and I can't even tell you exactly why, but I know I'm scared and excited all at the same time. It's weird" I just kept telling her how afraid and nervous I was. She looked at me and smiled and said, "That's normal, no one will tell you that, but if I can tell you anything I would say, Savor this moment because you're never going to get it again. Live in it, enjoy it. Even the scary parts. Because this is it." I looked at her with a smile on my face, choking back tears (I've been shedding a lot of those lately)  and she pulled me in for a hug and whispered very encouraging words into my ear that I won't share but I hold on to those few words she said to me. I ran with those few words of wisdom she gave me, "Live in these moments..." When graduation day came around we were all ready to walk across that stage. It was our last moments as college students. There was so much love everywhere you turned, tears, and smiles of pride as we made our way to the auditorium. When I walked across the stage all I remember is my name being called, me doing the "Wakanda Forever" sign to the camera and somehow I was on the other side of the stage hugging all my professors, just like that I had stepped off the stage at graduation and stepped onto the stage in a never-ending show called "real life". Over the next couple of days, I spent as many moments with my friends as possible and eventually I had to pack up my life and move across the country. Unsure of what would happen or how things would play out I was ready, so I decided to take a leap off that cliff before it buckled from up under me. Next thing I know I was back in Los Angeles trying to find my way and figure out what my next steps would be...

We all think we’re ready for the next step. Ready for what’s coming. We’re ready to take on life. Be adults. Live on our own. Chase our dreams. But when real life starts to hit us. It’s the scariest thing ever! It really initiates our fight or flight response, because it doesn’t come the way we expect. It doesn’t look like it does on tv or even in our heads. It’s barely rainbows and sparkles. It’s gritty. It’s literally a fight. Dreams seem magical until they’re sitting right in front of us. Our idea of life can sometimes get in the way of what life really is. Our ideas of dreams coming true is completely different when it’s a reality.

The thing about these next steps is they are so scary because they determine the direction your life will take. In these moments we are making some of the biggest decisions of our lives. So when an opportunity shows up it’s sometimes a battle of making the right choice and the fear of making the wrong choice. So we either choose to hide away, neglect decisions and responsibilities, or we choose to fight. Take it all head on. Fight against the urge to forfeit and give up. Fight against fear and insecurities. And somehow believe we’ll be better for it in the end. If I can let you in on a little secret, now isn’t the time to run or give up. Now is the time to fight like we’ve never fought before or we will be living in fear the rest of our days. We have to fight through fear. Fight through the pain. Fight through tears. Fight through it all to get to where we want to be. Yes, it's scary, scarier than you could ever imagine but as cliche, as it sounds, life starts when fear ends. Everything we ever wanted is on the other side of fear. Maybe that's what my teacher meant when she uttered those miraculous words to me. Maybe she knew just exactly what I would go through once my college life was all over. Maybe she saw something coming that I didn't. We often get smacked in the face so hard by life, and sometimes it can knock us off balance and sometimes it's like a blow straight to the chest. Maybe it's the uncertainty or the questioning if it's even worth it. Maybe every now and then, if you're like me you just feel worthless because things aren't working out how you planned or how you thought they would go. What I've learned over these last four or five months is, it's less about getting down on yourself about having these fears and reservations and more about what we do in response to them. It's about acknowledging the fear and deciding not to allow it to stop you. It's about taking on the doubts and feeling of being worthless and sing as fuel to make your dreams, whatever they may be, come true. Last it's being content with where and who you are. Not worrying about the next person and what their life looks like, but knowing that where you are you're here for a reason. For me, and anyone who believes in God, it's trusting that where He has you is exactly where He wants you to be. We don't progress in life by comparing our life to someone else's. We don't move forward by just wishing. If we just continue to put one leg in front of the other we will eventually end up where we want to be. But until we get there, all I can say is enjoy and embrace every moment, feeling, and fear because we'll never get it again. The beauty of the scariest moments is that when all's said and done and the fear subsides we will realize that the fear was pushing us to where we are. I think the last and one of the most important things I've learned is that we are often waiting for things to be easy. I think this is a mistake we often make, we think that it will be hard and challenging for a moment and then it will be all smooth sailing. No one ever told us that a good life was easy to attain. We were never promised smooth sailing on this journey. I'm not saying that every moment in our life will be a fight because it won't. I'm saying that when we look for things to be easy we will be constantly disappointed. My advice, instead of looking for things to be easy, push for them to be good.

Life is rough, and the periods of transition can take a toll on us. I wish I could tell you I had all the every time. No one knows what the future holds, we don't even know what the next moments hold, so don't spend your time trying to make it go a certain way. Everything will happen exactly how it's supposed to happen. The future will take care of itself. Don't get so caught up in what's going to happen that you miss what's happening right in front of you.
answers, but I am far from that. One thing I do know, as I've mentioned before, life is a teacher. I've learned to embrace every moment as it comes. To experience life to fullest, because all we have is right now, and if we spend the time now being afraid of what will happen next we will miss the gift of the present